Tuesday, February 14

Valentines Day

By Grant Davies

On this day in the year 278 A.D. (give or take a few years) the head gang-banger of a rather large street gang called the "Roman Empire" (usually just called the Romans for short) was having a bad day and decided to take it out on one of the other gang members. His street name was "Claudius the Cruel" but the formal name on his chariot licence read- Emperor Claudius II.

It seems that ole Claude was hacked off because he couldn't get enough soldiers to fight the turf wars because they were hangin' with their baby mommas too much and had even decided to (perish the the thought) get married. That didn't bode well for the health of the 'hood so he decided to make a rule that no one could get married  or even "hook up" anymore.

One wise guy though, a certain homie called "Val" (his given name was Valentine), was looking for some street cred and decided to hook people up on his own time, in secret, in his own crib.

So after Claude found out he called one of his lieutenants, a dude named the "Prefect of Rome" and had him order a hit on Val. The Prefect told the other homies to beat Val with clubs and then cut his head off. (Even back then, a lot of the same stuff that happens in Mexico nowadays was fashionable.) Rumor has it that Val asked if he could have the beatin' after the beheading, but no word on whether he got that last wish.

The hit took place, Val's spirit joined up with a heavenly group called the Saints, and that's why we all give each other heart shaped objects and chocolate that are roughly the same shape as the picture of Claudius's head shown above.

1651 years later, a different gangster named Al (street name Scar-face) had a bunch of other homies machine gunned to death to commemorate the occasion. But at least he didn't have their heads cut off because their brains were already splattered on a garage wall on the north side of Chicago.

Have a chocolate.

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